1. A prayer for my resilient heart

Photo: March, 2013

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The day before my husband was served divorce papers, I said a prayer. I was curled up in bed feeling so alone. I was scared, ashamed, had deep anxiety, embarrassment, sadness, hurt, anger- and I prayed. I was trying to breathe, trying to remember what was going to get me through this nightmare, and trying to remember how to have hope. I wrote my words down and today they still resonate:

January 15, 2015 A prayer of gratitude and desire:

Thank You for my warmth in this bed and apartment.

Thank You for life experiences that have given me bigger and brighter eyes.

Thank You for my adventurous spirit and happiness.

Thank You for the gift of feeling deeply- even with the pain that comes with it. It allows me to taste life in its array of flavors, people, places, and hearts.

Thank You for a job I love as a reporter. I am grateful it is creative and different every day; that it’s exciting, chaotic, and can help those who need their stories told.

Thank You for friends. Thank you for the girlfriends I have found throughout my life. As a woman who loves deeply my friendships carry me and give me encouragement to continue forward.     

Thank You for love- come and gone. For love that is difficult and painful, too. For love that evolves and helps us learn. For love that is God- it lessens the fear.

Thank You for giving me the ability to love many, and for many who have loved me. Love can be messy and tricky, but without it there isn’t life.

Thank you for the examples, the stories, the lessons, the travels, and for my family- and those who came before me that lived their truth, and spoke their truth.

Thank You for empathy and love.

Thank You for the opportunity to be born in a time where we can travel, communicate, and learn about our world like never before. Help me to know, understand, and love every person.

Thank You for freedom. With control, I’m only limited to my own vision, thoughts, and ideas. I am so grateful to be free. Help me to always listen to others’ truths.

I desire to find a solid and continuous love and support system. To create a beautiful family unit that acts as a haven from the world. Help me to feel adored, safe, and appreciated within.

I desire a partner who cherishes my creativity and spark. Who loves my emotion. Who loves my experiences- good and bad. Someone who will love my core: my heart, my soul, my mind- unconditionally.

I desire to continue my journalism career and make a difference. Maybe write a book. To blog. I would love to start a non-profit. Help me to always love my job- that it might be a creative outlet.

I desire time: Time to write, to make a good living, to be a network reporter, to start that non-profit, to consider grad school options. Time to be a good friend. To begin family life. To have children, and to teach my children about faith without fear. Mostly, help me teach them how to love.

I desire to be feminine, but strong. Let me not allow resentment or anger to take me, but to stand firm, empowered and determined in what I know I want and deserve. Amen.

I served my husband with the divorce papers and I was turning 35 the next day. Despite the hope in my prayer, I experienced deep fear and pain. I was uncertain about my future and painfully afraid of the unknown.

It has not been four years and so much has happened. It’s why I’m completing this book. I’m ready to share my story and hope it can be of value to others. I’ve come far and I’ve learned so much. I would never believe as I prayed this prayer how my life would unfold. Sometimes we just need to keep the faith- in ourselves, our lives, our friends, our community and our spiritual connection.

 

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Copyright © 2016 Lauren Matthias / LaurenMatthias.com copyright 2016. all rights reserved. You may not take  content from this site without written permission.

If you’re experiencing the pain and devastation (whether  now or in the past) of being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and you’re ready to get your life back – Click HERE for Lauren’s story and ebook. If interested in the help of coaching, click contact on the bottom of this page.

2 Comments

  1. Rie

    I think I have moved on from my narcissist ex but now I feel numb. There are times I feel like I truly lived when I was with him. Now, I’m stuck in this monotonous cycle. Is it not better to love and hurt than to feel nothing at all?

    Liked by 1 person

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