1. A prayer for my resilient heart

Photo: March, 2013

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The day before I my husband was served divorce papers, I said a prayer. … I was curled up in bed feeling so alone. I was scared, ashamed, had deep anxiety, embarrassment, sadness, hurt, anger … and I prayed. I was trying to breathe, trying to remember what was going to get me through, and trying to remember how to have hope. I wrote my words down, and today they still resonate.

January 15, 2015 –A prayer of gratitude and desire:

Thank You for my warmth in this bed and apartment.

Thank You for life experiences that have given me bigger and brighter eyes.

Thank You for my adventurous spirit and happiness.

Thank You for the gift of feeling deeply — even with the pain that comes with it. It allows me to taste life in its array of flavors, people, places, and hearts.

Thank You for a job I love as a reporter.  I am grateful it is creative and different every day; that it’s exciting, chaotic, and can help those who need their stories told.

Thank You for friends. Thank you for the girlfriends I have found throughout my life. As a woman who loves deeply; my friendships carry me and give me encouragement to continue forward.

Thank You for love — come and gone. For love that is difficult and painful, too. For love that evolves, and helps us learn. For love that is God – It lessens the fear.

Thank You for giving me the ability to love many, and for many who have loved me. Love can be messy and tricky, but without it there isn’t life.

Thank You for my faith. Thank you for the examples, the stories, the lessons, the travels, and for my family and heritage that have helped me form a close relationship with You – Deity.

Thank You for Your empathy and love.

Thank You for teaching us to love our neighbors, and to be born in a time when the whole world is a neighbor. Where we can travel, communicate, and learn about our world and all our neighbors like never before.  … Help me to know, understand, and love every neighbor.

Thank You for freedom. With control, I’m only limited to my own vision, thoughts, and ideas. I am so grateful to be free. Help me to always listen to others truths.

I desire to find a solid and continuous love and support system. To create a beautiful family unit that acts as a haven from the world. Help me to feel adored, safe, and appreciated within.

I desire a partner who cherishes my creativity and spark. Who loves my emotion. Who loves my experiences — good and bad. Someone who will love my core: my heart, my soul, my mind—unconditionally.

I desire to continue my journalism career, and make a difference. … Maybe write a book. To blog.  I would love to start a non-profit.  Help me to always love my job; that it might be a creative outlet.

I desire time: Time to write, to make a good living, to be a network reporter, to start that non profit, to consider grad school options. Time to be a good friend. To begin family life. To have children, and to teach my children about faith without fear. Mostly,  help me teach them how to love.

I desire to be feminine, but strong. Let me not allow resentment or anger to take me, but to stand firm, empowered and determined in what I know I want and deserve.  … amen.

These friends of mine took me to the courthouse  when I filed the week before. I had been married less than two years.

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I served my husband with the papers,  and I was turning 35 the next day. Despite the hope in my prayer, I felt deeply the fear and pain.

It’s been a year and a half, and so much has happened. It’s why I’m beginning this blog. This is my fresh start. I’m ready to share my story. I’ve come far and I’ve learned so much. I would never believe as I prayed this prayer how my life would unfold …

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Copyright © 2016 Lauren Matthias / LaurenMatthias.com copyright 2016. all rights reserved. You may not take  content from this site without written permission.

If you’re experiencing the pain and devastation (whether  now or in the past) of being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and you’re ready to get your life back – Click “contact” at the bottom of this page for a 45 minute “Love Life Recovery” Makeover Session. We’ll set up a plan so you can look forward to having the life and love you deserve.

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2 Comments

  1. Rie

    I think I have moved on from my narcissist ex but now I feel numb. There are times I feel like I truly lived when I was with him. Now, I’m stuck in this monotonous cycle. Is it not better to love and hurt than to feel nothing at all?

    Liked by 1 person

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